


Looking for his happy ending

by greeny1710



Series: Our Families [4]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Angst with a happy but not that happy ending, Family, Infertility, LIKE A LOT OF ANGST, Lando Norris just needs a big hug, Lando spends most of this fic crying, M/M, Past Miscarriage, Pregnancy, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:47:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,323
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21832417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greeny1710/pseuds/greeny1710
Summary: Lando just wants a family with Carlos, why is that so hard to achieve?
Relationships: Daniel Ricciardo/Max Verstappen, Lando Norris/Carlos Sainz Jr
Series: Our Families [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1569160
Comments: 10
Kudos: 101





	Looking for his happy ending

**Author's Note:**

> So.
> 
> I know I promised a happy ending for Lando and Carlos, and I PROMISE IT IS COMING. But I needed to torture them a little bit more first to flesh out why Lando was so upset in chapter 13 of my Happy Birthday Max fic. 
> 
> This does deal heavily with infertility and also talks about a miscarriage, so please be aware that it might be upsetting and I’m really sorry, so if that’s something you’re not okay with, just know that Lando and Carlos have a happy ever after coming and it’ll be soon.

It was seeing Carlos on that top step. 

It was seeing Carlos throwing Lukas around. 

It was seeing Carlos tuck Lukas into bed and whispering a Spanish bedtime story at him. 

It was seeing Carlos love him. 

That was why Lando wanted a baby with him. 

He’d wanted his own child with Carlos since the day he’d met Lukas all those years ago, back in Monaco when he was only a few months old, all soft baby skin and high-pitched squeals. Carlos had looked so in love with Lando then, just seeing the way Carlos smiled softly and rubbed his hand across Lando whilst he cradled the precious cargo in his arms. 

But Lando knew that was too soon. Even before Max had warned him not to rush into things, he knew it wasn’t exactly the wisest decision to have a child with your new teammate in your first year of Formula 1 when you were still trying to prove that you were better than that spritely 19-year-old they all saw you as. He knew that it was better to wait. To make sure Carlos really as _the one_.

And he was. 

That was why he wanted a baby with him. 

He wasn’t a 19-year-old teenager anymore, who was still making memes and wearing bucket hats and being a complete fanboy. 

Well, he was still doing all of that, he just wasn’t a teenager anymore. 

He’d waited all this time. He’d watched Lukas grow, had watched Sebastian and Kimi have their own kid, watched Max and Daniel get married, saw Max become a double world champion, then watched Max and Daniel have another baby. 

And Lando was ready. 

So why was it that now he was ready he couldn’t?

He’d woken up, his stomach twisting, and had had to run to the bathroom to empty his stomach. Lando had thrown up until his throat was raw and his head hurt with the pain of it all. But when he rested his hand against his stomach, the idea of there being the reason why residing in him was enough to make all the pain go away. 

“Mi amor, what is wrong?” Carlos was stood in the doorway of the bathroom, frowning sleepily but worriedly at Lando. 

“I don’t know, just woke up needing to throw up,” Lando shrugged. He flushed away the contents of his stomach and shakily accepted Carlos’s help to stand up. 

“Do you need the test?” Carlos asked, gently cupping Lando’s jaw in his hand and making his young love look up at him. 

“Maybe.” He was really trying not to get his hopes up, but why else would he be throwing up randomly if there wasn’t a small reason in his tummy making him throw up?

Carlos dug in the draw and took a deep breath before turning back to Lando and handing the test over.

“I’ll go make breakfast, come out when you’re ready.” Carlos hugged Lando tightly and then kissed his forehead, “Whatever the result, I love you.”

“Love you too,” Lando murmured, closing his eyes and holding Carlos tight. 

Carlos shut the door behind himself and Lando sat on the edge of the bathtub, reading the instructions that came with the test. He already knew what to expect, he’d done it all before. Once he’d done as the test asked, Lando left it face-down on the sink and walked off. It said he’d have to wait ten minutes before the result came through, and instead he went to join Carlos in the kitchen. 

Carlos looked at him hopefully as Lando shuffled in, dressed in just his boxers and one of Carlos’s old hoodies. He hoped up onto the counter and then told him, 

“Have to wait ten minutes.”

Lando fidgeted with the sleeve of Carlos’s hoodie and watched him potter around. As Carlos cooked, Lando looked around their apartment. 

That dining chair would make way for the highchair. 

The playmat would fit well where the coffee table currently was. 

The spare bedroom would look cute with soft grey walls and clouds and animals painted onto them. 

Lando shook his head and tried to stop himself thinking about it. He couldn’t imagine their lives with the baby yet. He didn’t even know if there was a baby just yet. But there would be one day. 

Lando jumped when he felt Carlos pinch the underside of his thigh. 

“What?”

“It’s been trying to get your attention for the last thirty seconds,” Carlos told him, nodding at Lando’s phone. 

Lando looked down and noticed the alarm on his phone was blaring at him. 

“I don’t want to look,” Lando whispered. Suddenly all the anxiety of him perhaps not being pregnant hit him and he didn’t want to look and be told that he wasn’t. 

“Together, we look together,” Carlos said, holding his hand out for Lando and smiling encouragingly at him. 

Lando shook his head. He was too scared. 

Carlos nodded and tugged Lando off the counter. Lando tried to fight him but ultimately let Carlos tug him along to the bathroom. 

They both stood and stared at the test, neither of them quite able to bring themselves to turn it over and see. 

Both of them were thinking about when this had happened months ago. Lando had woke up after a race weekend and thrown up until there was nothing else in his body. They’d been excited then. And when they’d done the test, it was positive. Lando had definitely cried for a few hours afterwards. 

_Finally_. Finally, he was going to be someone’s dad and he was going to understand why Max always smiled when Lukas called him Daddy. When he heard the heartbeat and the Doctor told him he was nine weeks gone already and the baby was developing nicely, Carlos had clutched Lando’s hand so tightly that Lando was already planning ways to nearly break Carlos’s hand with the pressure when the labour finally rolled around. 

But then it had happened. A couple weeks later, Lando was nearly at the twelve-week mark, and yet he’d woken up with the worst cramps he’d ever felt and a wet feeling between his legs. He’d smacked Carlos’s chest to wake him up, not sure that if he opened his mouth he would start to scream or start to cry. Carlos had rushed him to the hospital and Lando was rushed into an emergency scan. 

And they said those words. 

_”I’m so sorry, but there’s no heartbeat. The baby-”_

Lando had never heard the last words the Doctor said. Couldn’t listen as the doctor told them that they’d lost the baby. That _Lando_ had lost his baby. 

Carlos told him later that the doctors advised waiting for a few months before trying again, and Lando had nodded without really paying attention. He felt empty. All the hope of having a baby had gone. 

But now the hope was back. And yet the anxiety of there not being another baby in his tummy was really threatening to overrule everything. 

“Lando? Are you ready?” Carlos asked. 

Lando gripped tightly onto his hand, and closed his eyes. He let out a deep breath, and then nodded. 

Carlos turned the test over and Lando looked up at Carlos. He couldn’t look himself. Carlos’s face would tell him everything. 

He didn’t even need to look at Carlos’s face, the grip on Lando’s hand had loosened and Lando just knew. But, looking at Carlos’s face, it just told Lando anyway. 

There wasn’t a baby. 

“We can try again, Lando,” Carlos whispered, tugging Lando into him and brushing his hand over his hair. Lando felt numb. He felt empty. 

He didn’t want to try again. 

He wanted it to have worked this time. 

Why was it that he wasn’t allowed a child?

He already knew he’d love the child more than anything in the world, as would Carlos. Lando would’ve given up racing straight away. He would’ve been happy to spend his time just racing on the sim at home rather than in the race car if it just meant he got to feel the kicks in his stomach and the movement of their baby wiggling around. 

Lando didn’t say anything to Carlos, his arms hanging limply at his sides and an impassive look crossed his features. 

“Lando?” Carlos gently prompted, “Lando, we’ll try again.”

Lando shrugged minutely and wiggled out of Carlos’s grasp. He didn’t want to be held. He didn’t want to be touched. He just wanted a baby. Instead of eating the breakfast Carlos had prepared, Lando climbed back into bed, chucking his phone on the floor and pulling the blankets up tight around his chin. Carlos came in at one point, leaving a cup of tea and a plate of toast on the side, but Lando didn’t care. He looked at it with hollow eyes and then slowly reached out and pushed the plate off the bedside table and onto the floor. Why should he eat when he had no one to provide it for?

Why give his body what it wanted when his body wouldn’t give him what _he_ wanted?

The shrillness of his phone ringing cut through the air, and would’ve startled Lando had he not been so deep stuck in his own head. 

This was the fourth time this had happened. 

The fourth time that he’d expected there to be a baby in his tummy and found there to be nothing. 

And he’d gotten so fucking close the last time. But no. His stupid, broken body said no and he lost the one thing he wanted most. 

What was it about Lando that meant he couldn’t have a baby? He ate well, he drank milk a lot, he barely touched alcohol, he slept semi-decently, he had a loving boyfriend, and he hadn’t had a major shunt that could’ve affected anything. 

Lando hated not knowing things. He hated surprises and he hated not knowing everything he needed to. When his phone finally stopped ringing, Lando pushed himself out of the blankets and grabbed it from where he’d chucked it earlier and started scrolling, looking for the number of the clinic. 

The lady on the other end of the phone was nice. She didn’t sound apologetic but she wasn’t as emotionally cold and cut-off as Lando was being. She sounded like she wanted to help. And that’s what Lando wanted. He wanted someone to help him and tell him what the hell he needed to do in order to have a baby. She made an appointment for the day after, the earliest they could squeeze Lando in to have bloodwork and scans to see if there was anything that wasn’t right. 

“Who was that?” Carlos asked, rubbing Lando’s back through the blanket when he came into the room. 

“Clinic, got an appointment for tomorrow to see if the doctors can do anything,” Lando explained. 

Carlos curled up behind Lando, spooning him and pressing a kiss to the nape of his neck. Lando closed his eyes and bit his lip. He could feel the tears spring to his eyes as Carlos gently ran his fingers underneath Lando’s t-shirt and rubbing across his tummy. 

“We’ll work things out, we’ll have our family one day,” Carlos whispered. His voice was soft and comforting, even though there was sadness in his voice, and Lando just turned in his arms, letting the tears stream down his cheeks. 

At least he wasn’t alone in this. 

\----

“The bloodwork for both of you shows that there isn’t anything abnormal and the scans are all coming back clean. There is no clear medical reason for why you cannot have a child, Mr Norris,” the doctor apologetically explained. 

Lando was clutching onto Carlos’s hand, his fingernails digging into the skin and leaving crescent moons there. 

“So what do we do next?” Lando asked, begging that the doctor would tell him there was a clear solution. 

“Unfortunately, there isn’t always a solution. Fertility issues do not always have a cause and I’m really sorry to tell you that, sometimes we are just incredibly unlucky. IVF is an option, but with the complications you’ve already been having, it’s unlikely to succeed. It is an option you can still try, however it can be expensive but-”

“I don’t give a fuck about the money!” Lando cried, interrupting the doctor, “I don’t care! I just want a baby.” 

Carlos quickly apologised to the doctor, but she waved away his apology, probably more than used to people having a breakdown of this sort, whilst Lando sobbed into his hands. Carlos rocked Lando, tears filling his own eyes as he comforted his young love.

“I’ll give you a moment alone,” She told them, leaving Lando and Carlos in the room and stepping outside. 

Carlos pulled Lando into his arms fully and Lando scrunched his shirt up in his fists, clutching tightly and sobbing hard. 

“Why? Why can’t we?” Lando sobbed.

“I don’t know, corazón, but we’ll figure something out,” Carlos promised. 

Lando sobbed harder, and Carlos could feel his heart shatter. Lando had cried when they’d lost the baby, but it hadn’t sounded as gutturally painful as it did now, being told that there was basically nothing more that could be done. Carlos had held Lando through many days of tears when they’d lost the baby, but Carlos knew that this was going to be 10x more painful for Lando. He’d blamed himself then, and he’d blame himself tenfold more this time. And Carlos knew that there was little he’d be able to do to convince Lando otherwise. 

\----

Contrary to what Carlos thought, Lando barely seemed to react to the news once they got home. He threw away the test and the few spares that were lounging around the apartment, tidied away the few toys that had been left out from when the Ricciardo children visited, and cleaned every inch of the place that he could. Carlos had tried to help, but Lando had smiled and said he was fine doing it himself. 

He also threw himself into his training and spending time on the simulator, driving and practising late into the night. 

If Carlos didn’t know Lando better, he’d have guessed Lando was fine. 

But he knew he wasn’t. 

Lando barely slept, he barely ate more than he needed, and he barely touched Carlos. Carlos understood Lando’s reluctance to be intimate. It seemed painful to be close to each other in such a way and know ultimately that there would be no baby for them this way. 

But that didn’t mean Carlos didn’t miss Lando like crazy. 

They still lived in the same apartment. They still ate together and travelled together and slept in the same bed. Lando, however, may as well have been on a different planet with the space he kept from Carlos. 

The first race weekend since getting the news was the worst. He’d seen the empty look come onto Lando’s face almost immediately upon seeing Max and Daniel walk through the paddock, swinging Lukas between them, whilst Daniel carried the baby seat with the sleeping baby in his other hand. And when little Elliot Räikkönen had come running along too, chasing his older friend around the paddock, Lando had hidden away. 

Normally, Lando would be one of the first drivers out of the garage to speak to the kids, spinning Lukas in his arms and brushing his fingers over the baby’s cheeks. And Carlos knew when Lukas realised his Uncle Do never came to see him. 

Lukas shuffled into the Mclaren garage, looking around the cars and at all the mechanics with a deep frown on his face. 

“Hola, Lucky,” Carlos said. The boy spun around, and jumped into Carlos’s arms, throwing his arms around Carlos’s neck and pressing a sloppy kiss to his cheek. 

“Uncle Carlos, where is Uncle Do?” Lukas questioned, his little voice and face filled with worry.

“Uncle Do is busy, he will come play with you soon.”

Lukas didn’t look like he believed him, squinting his eyes at Carlos and twisting his lips. 

“Tell Uncle Do I love him,” Lukas ordered, “Make him happy.”

Carlos didn’t know how Lukas could tell something was wrong with Lando. Lukas was a freakily clever little kid who tended to just know things, and Carlos did have a hard time keeping his emotions off his face, especially around the little ones. 

“I promise,” Carlos agreed, dropping Lukas back to his feet and ruffling his hair, “I see you soon, okay?”

“Adidas, Uncle Carlos!” Lukas nodded, offering a mock salute before running off. 

“Adios, Lukas!” Carlos corrected, nevertheless smiling at the accidental slip up in the little boy’s language. 

All the happiness drained out of his body as he thought about it. He’d never say those words to his own child, never watch his own baby grow up learning and mixing English and Spanish. Carlos knew adoption was an option. He’d been thinking about it and had even pursed some sites about whilst Lando slunk off into his own head, and he knew that he’d love the child as much as if it was biologically his own. It still didn’t stop the sadness entering his heart. 

\----

Lando had eventually snuck out his drivers room. 

He’d heard Lukas had come running into the Mclaren garage, had listened as Carlos probably smiled and held and laughed at the boy, had heard Lukas’s declaration to tell Lando he loved him. And he’d broken down. Lando had slid down his drivers room door and sobbed onto the floor, his arms tied around his stomach and had not been able to stop for a while. Lukas was one of the purest, softest, most gentle people in the world. And Lando was horrified to note that right now, he really hated the kid. He hated knowing that Lukas and the new baby and Elliot all existed and were the happy recipients of pairs of parents that loved and adored them with every fibre of their being. 

Lando just wanted that. He just wanted a small being to love and adore unconditionally. It wasn’t _fair_. 

It took a while for his emotions to bring themselves back together, but eventually, Lando wiped away the snot and the tears and the mess using the sleeve of his jumper like he used to when he was a little boy. He splashed some water on his face and then left the room. 

Zak collared him almost immediately. Lando knew that Zak instantly could tell something was wrong, probably because Lando’s eyes were puffy and his voice was rough. 

“Do you want time out? We can have Carlos do your media commitments if something’s wrong.” Zak offered.

Lando shook his head.

“I need distractions.”

Zak looked like he wanted to argue but didn’t say anything more, just nodded and let Charlotte start running through the media schedule with Lando. Carlos was off somewhere already, doing some media thing that Lando didn’t listen to. There was nothing driving him to listen. Charlotte would just be able to guide him wherever. 

Maybe Zak had been on to something when he offered Carlos up to do Lando’s work. His head wasn’t in it. His heart was long gone. 

“Lando, a word before you go,” Zak caught Lando’s wrist and nodded at Charlotte to leave them alone for a moment. 

“What’s up?” Lando asked, trying to put on his best smile even though he could tell Zak saw straight through it. 

“Whatever’s gone on, it’s affecting both you and Carlos, right?”

Lando nodded.

“And you’re both okay? You’re safe to drive?”

Lando shrugged but ultimately nodded his head. 

“If you need time away, from the media, from the team, from racing, whatever you need Lando, we will accommodate it. We’re a family, your happiness is our priority.”

“Thought getting us on the podium was what mattered most?” Lando asked.

“No. Nothing matters more than you and Carlos being happy.” Zak shook his head, ruffling Lando’s hair in the way he always used to back when Lando has first joined McLaren as their junior driver way back in 2017.

Lando nodded, breathing shakily as he felt the tears threaten to spill over again. 

“We can pull your drive for next year, if that’s what you need. You won’t drive and you can take your time to work through what’s happening.”

“I don’t know,” Lando whispered, “I don’t know what I want.”

He did, he knew what he desperately wanted, but he wasn’t going to tell Zak that. 

“We’ll go on the provision that you’re still going to drive, but we will pull it if needs be.”

“Uncle Do needs to drive!” 

Lando and Zak turned at the sound of the Lukas’s voice, seeing the little boy just staring at them and holding Elliot’s hand. 

Seeing the two little boys in the garage, dressed in tiny team gear for their respective parent’s teams, pushed Lando over the edge. Lukas looked devastated at the prospect of Lando not driving, and Lando couldn’t deal with it. He couldn’t handle seeing the child that had made him want all of this. Lukas dived forward to try and wrap his arms around Lando’s legs, pressing his face into Lando’s hip. 

Lando pulled himself free of the hug, could hear Lukas’s whimper and cry as Lando walked off, heard Zak explain something that ended with a splutter. But Lando didn’t turn and look. He didn’t listen as Elliot shouted after him. He couldn’t. 

The pain ripped through his heart, the image of Lukas’s crestfallen face and Elliot’s timid shouts echoing deep inside him. Lando sunk onto the little sofa, threading his fingers through his hair and pulling on it, trying to stop the tears falling from the stinging sensation. 

Everything _hurt_. 

But it all hurt that much more knowing that he was the reason that Lukas was hurting. Lando bit his lip. He had to go and find him, he had to apologise to the little one. 

“Lando? It’s Max, can you let me in?” he heard, accompanied by a knock. 

Lando sniffed, wiped his nose with his sleeve and wiped his eyes before pulling the door open. He kept his eyes down as he opened the door, turning his back on Max so that the older driver couldn’t see the tears, couldn’t see the absolute self-hatred Lando was pushing across himself. 

“Want to tell me why you don’t want my five-year-old to hug you?”

Lando instantly felt the tears jump from his eyes, tracing their way down his cheeks. He couldn’t keep it in anymore. 

“No,” Lando replied, but his voice cracked and the sobs fell out, falling into Max. 

He clutched onto Max as tightly as he could, feeling the warmth and safety that came with being cradled in Max’s arms, feeling the ghost of Max’s fingers threading through his hair and running up his back to comfort him. The sobs fell harder when his brain provided the knowledge that this was how Max held Lukas, how Max comforted his eldest. 

His _ELDEST_.

He got to do it again. 

And Lando couldn’t even do it once. 

He couldn’t deal with Max saying it would be okay. Because right now, it didn’t feel like it. It felt like emptiness. It felt like there was nothing. It felt like Lando didn’t even have a reason to stay around. Carlos could do so much better. Carlos could go off and have beautiful Spanish babies with someone else, could go off and be a father and not have to deal with this stupid broken body of Lando’s. 

Lando didn’t even know why he told Max. He couldn’t tell you why he sobbed his heart out to Max, crying over the inadequacy of his body and the injustice that Max got it all. He knew it wasn’t Max’s fault and he didn’t actually hate Max, or even worse, he didn’t hate Lukas. This feeling of inadequacy was the worst feeling in the world, and Lando really would not wish this feeling on anyone. Max and Daniel had been blessed with two beautiful boys and Lando absolutely adored them both. But in the same heart, Lando hated that he couldn’t feel that same love and happiness that Max got to experience every night when he tucked the kids into bed and read them bedtime stories and got called ‘daddy’ by the most gentle souls. 

“You’ll work it out, little one. Everything will work out in the long run.” Max murmured, running his fingers through Lando’s curls, wiped away his tears and kissed his temple. Lando leant into the touch and wrapped his arms around Max’s waist properly. 

“And when you’re ready, the boys will hug you tighter than you’ve ever been hugged.” Max told him, which had Lando nod. 

They hugged for a while longer, Lando sobbing into Max’s shirt. 

“I need to say sorry to Lucky,” Lando told him once he’d stopped crying. 

“You don’t have to do anything, you wait till you’re ready, Lu will be okay. We’ll just tell him you’re not well.” Max said, waving off Lando’s worry and concern. 

“I can’t look after him,” Lando admitted, “I can’t. I can’t have him. But I want to tell him I still love him. I hate that I upset him, Max.”

“He didn’t care really about that. Yeah he was sad, but he was more upset that you was sad. Did you hear that he whacked Zak in the nuts?”

Lando laughed slightly and shook his head. 

“Why did he do that?”

“Zak said you was just being silly or something, I don’t know, Lukas heard a bit of your conversation with Zak and wanted to look after you.” Max explained. 

Lando scrunched his eyes up to avoid the tears falling again. 

“He’s a good boy,” Lando whispered. 

“You’re not a bad person for not wanting to be around my kids, you know that right?” Max pulled back to look at Lando, holding his shoulders back so that he could make Lando look at him. 

But he was a bad person. Lukas and his brother were the best kids Lando had ever met, and he hated that he couldn’t look at the boys right now without seeing what he couldn’t become. Max had held his boys on the top step, photos had been posted on social media of Lukas’s first day at school, the first steps, the first time Lukas held the new baby. Lando wanted that. He wanted all of it. 

“You’ll have your family, Lando. I know it’s not the same, but there are millions of children out there who need a family, you and Carlos, you can be that family, and those kids would be so blessed.”

“Would they be hashtag blessed?” Lando joked, offering Max an incredibly shaky smile with matching tear tracks tracing down his cheeks, dropping off the sharp angle of Lando’s jaw. 

“Yeah, mate, they’d be hashtag blessed.”

Lando dropped his head back onto Max’s shoulder and let out a deep breath. 

“Can I get that hug from Lukas now?” Lando asked. 

Max nodded, fumbling his phone out of his pocket and ringing Daniel. 

“He’ll be here in a second,” Max confirmed. 

Lando knew it would hurt seeing Lukas. But it hurt more knowing how he’d upset the little boy. The look of devastation that had crossed Lukas’s features and the tiny whimper burned into Lando’s soul. There was no catharsis in hurting others, even when Lando was just trying to protect himself. 

A timid knock hit the door, and Lando stiffened. Max looked at him, an unspoken question in his eyes. Lando scrunched his eyes up and rubbed his face, but then nodded. 

“Come in, Lukas,” Max answered. 

Gently, the door handle moved and a mop of dark brown curls and wide blue eyes stuck their head around the door. Lando could see the way Lukas’s hands were fidgeting with something and was flicking his eyes between his Dad and Lando. 

“Come here, Lu, Uncle Lando needs a hug.” Max motioned him in. 

Lukas pushed the door open wider and slid in, but didn’t make a move to actually go near Lando. 

“Is he gonna push me away ‘gain, Daddy?” Lukas whispered, addressing Max even though he was looking longingly at Lando. 

Lando felt the last of his heart and resolve shatter and he slid off the sofa, dropping onto his knees and reaching out for Lukas. 

“I’m not, I really need a hug from my favourite boy,” Lando answered, holding his arms out and catching Lukas against his chest when the boy dived forward. Lando held Lukas tightly, cradling him like he was the most precious being in the world. He breathed in the smell of Lukas’s apple shampoo and that sweet smell that Lando had never been able to put his finger on but what was just Lukas. 

“I’m really sorry for making you sad, Lukas,” Lando apologised. Lukas pulled back and held Lando’s jaw in his tiny hands, patting away the tears and then leant forward to press a kiss to the tip of Lando’s nose. Lukas was doing the same thing Lando had seen Daniel do so many times before. 

“Papa said you’re sad,” Lukas cocked his head and looked at Lando, “But I still love you Uncle Do. And am not sad now.”

“I love you more, kiddo.” Lando smiled at him and pulled Lukas back into him. 

Having Lukas fall against him, hold him gently and pat his cheeks like he was the adult and not a 5-year-old, it was enough for now. Every fibre of Lando’s existence hurt, but he knew Max was right. 

The words of the doctor came back to him. Some people are just incredibly unlucky. And Lando didn’t know or understand why he was one of those people. He didn’t want to accept it, and for a while, Lando knew he wouldn’t. Part of him hoped that one day he’d wake up, throw up, and find that there was a baby growing in him. 

Carlos came into the room, frowning and hurriedly dropping to his knees when he saw the state of Lando’s face. He wrapped his arms around both Lukas and Lando, rocking both the boys and glancing worriedly at Max. 

Lando closed his eyes. For a moment, with Lukas in his arms and Carlos holding them both, Lando could just pretend. He could just pretend that this was his. 

And it would be, Lando knew that. It would one day be his, when he and Carlos were finally in a happier place and Lando wasn’t wanting to cry every second of the day, they could do this. Max was right when he said that there were kids that needed them. 

He could still be a dad. One day. 

As much as the pain of knowing he couldn’t have his own child hurt, slowly, Lando could feel his heart rebuilding with the knowledge that he’d be someone’s Dad. He’d caught Carlos looking at adoption information at one point, but Lando hadn’t wanted to know at that point. 

And right now, it still wasn’t something that he knew he’d be able to look at and think about. The doctor had recommended that Lando talk to someone first, someone that had the expertise to help Lando work through this pain. That seemed like the first step. 

Then, once he’d worked out what was going on in his head, Lando would talk to Carlos about their future. Not yet. Probably wouldn’t for the rest of the year. But they’d get there, Lando knew they would. Carlos looked at him with the same love and adoration he always had. He wasn’t going anywhere. Just like the knowledge that Lando would be a dad someday wasn’t going anywhere either. 

Carlos and he would get their happy ending. Lando was positive of it, even if it didn’t feel entirely like it right now.

**Author's Note:**

> That was hard. I didn’t like this, it hurt my heart a lot. 
> 
> If you / someone you know ever goes through this, just know you have my love and care sent your way. You are not broken. You are never broken. You are worthy of good things in life.
> 
> Lukas Ricciardo is a small precious child and he will help Lando get there. That’s what we all need and want.
> 
> As always, feel free to drop a comment, lemme know what you think. Kudos are also greatly appreciated :D
> 
> Tumblr is available at 3303andmore - I share sneak peeks of my works and make memes about writing. You can also send fic requests there! I’m always down for pretty much anything, so feel free to drop them down below or at my tumblr, I always appreciate them. 
> 
> The happy ending will come soon, it’s what we all need and deserve


End file.
